Guidelines to a Stay-Homer's Sanity - Recap!

Good morning everyone!  Now that the Guidelines series is completed, I thought I would do a handy-dandy recap to easily link to any and all of the individual rules without having to search the archives!  (Yes, I know, you're welcome!)

#1        #2        #3        #4      #5        #6        #7        #8       #9        #10

Schedule Template

The Reason Behind the Guidelines

The Why Behind "Guidelines for a Stay Homer's Sanity"

First of all, thank you to any and all of you who have been following the "Guidelines to a Stay Homer's Sanity" series and/or Vacuuming in Pearls!  As a shameless plug: please feel free to like on Facebook, follow by email, and especially join as a member and comment on any post you've seen so far!  (Makes me feel like I'm not talking to an empty room ;) )

That being said, it's time to delve into the reason why I came up with my 10 Guidelines to begin with.  Stay-at-home parents (moms or dads) are particularly susceptible to battles with depression and anxiety (what I call the "Domestic Dumps").  People generally don't talk about it, or if they do, it's brushed off as whining from someone who is living the dream by "not having to work for a living."

Stay-homers are often characterized as "lazy," "moochers," "breeders with no greater ambition in life," and even "kept women."  For anyone who thinks we must, as a society, be more enlightened than this: most of these were pulled from comments on a recent article on Huffington Post.  Even well meaning working parents can let slip "how much easier" their spouse has it by being at home and keeping the house and raising the children.  ("You're so lucky!  You get to stay home and play with them all day!")

Add isolation from peers (no co-workers as a stay home parent), under appreciation (being a good home-maker is rarely met with daily praise at having accomplished cooking meals, cleaning the house and keeping children safe, sound and happy, it's simply expected), and being beyond over worked (imagine being no less than on-call 24/7!) to a projection of self-worth that is constantly being bombarded by societal and internal criticism and BOOM!  Hello to a caustic mix that can hardly help causing sadness, loneliness and feelings of overwhelming worthlessness!

These reasons are all part of why I set forth to lay down my ground rules, to try and keep the Domestic Dumps at bay!  Having a schedule, getting up and dressed for the day, and keeping active (Rules #1, #2, and #7) are all designed to give a purpose and sense of accomplishment to each day, something that all people, regardless of status, crave and require.  

Keeping a tidy (if not always spotless) home, avoiding the television, and getting out of the house (Rules #3, #4, and #8) are about creating a positive environment, where you can feel motivated and worthwhile, both in and out of the home.  You should feel good about where you spend your time!

Making time for your spouse (Rule #6) sounds like yet another duty to add to the already enormous list, but it's actually to make sure to reconnect with your partner.  It should be a reminder that you are not in this alone as well as a time to genuinely enjoy yourself and who you've chosen to share this life with.

Taking breaks on the weekends, time for yourself and simply being yourself (Rules #5, #9, and #10) are exactly what they appear to be!  Being a homemaker is too often referred to as "not real work" and so time off from the standard duties is seen as unnecessary and something to be resented.  Probably one of the most important deterrents to all the negative feelings that accompany the Domestic Dumps is breaking through those stereotypes and misconceptions and accepting that it is okay to relax, have breaks, and reconnect with what makes you, you.

Like the Hokey-Pokey you "put it all together" and at the very least, you have a solid immunization against the Domestic Dump syndrome!  Go forth and be happy, my friends!

Guidelines for a Stay-Homer's Sanity - Part 10

-Disclaimer:  These are *Geoffrey Rush's Barbosa voice* "more guidelines than actual rules" and they are what I think will work best for our family.  Every family is different and so take these with a proverbial grain of salt.  To each mommy their own!-

Perhaps the most important rule for every living person, regardless of their career, their familial or marital status, or beliefs.  *Robin Williams' Genie voice* "Beeeeee yourself!"

In Rule #9, it talks about taking time to yourself to recharge your physical/mental/emotional/spiritual battery.  That hints at what I'm talking about here, but this goes much, much deeper.

Find and connect with the part of yourself that is not identified by being a wife and a mother.  We spend every waking moment (and, quite honestly, a lot of our sleeping hours too!) preoccupied with the lives of those we love and care for.  It is beyond easy to let our own identities wash away in the supportive role we are offering to them.

We become "Baby's Mommy" and "Mr.'s Wife" and stop referring or even thinking of ourselves of anything beyond that, and, sadly, it almost what is expected of a stay-home parent.  I say "Eff that Ess in the Aay!"  I am a person.  I have thoughts.  I have feelings.  I have opinions and passions and a personality that is just bursting out of my pores.  These are a part of what makes me a good wife and mother, so I'd better make sure I keep them!

One of the easiest ways to connect with YOU, is to have a hobby.  And as much as I love to write here on ViP, that's actually not what I mean.  This blog is all about my life and identity as a home maker.  I'm talking about doing something that has absitively posolutely nothing to do with Mr. and Baby J.  Not that I don't love them more than words, mind!  Just that I need something to be 100%, no-holds-barred, all encompassingly about me.  (Yes, in this specific instance, you are supposed to be selfish!)

So what is it?  *shrug*  I'm not too sure yet.  I have spent so much time focusing on getting to this point, to be home with my family and get to do all the things that I never had the time to do while I was a full time working mom, that I haven't quite figured out my "thing."  And that's fantastic!  This means I can explore my own brain in ways I never thought of before.  Maybe I'll paint?  Maybe I'll become a marathon runner?  Maybe I'll make strange yarn sculptures of cats out of yarn made of cat fur... (okay, that one's a little too weird, even for me.)

The point here is, get to know yourself outside of the roles you fill for others, and have fun doing it!  After all, "you've only got one life, make sure it's a happy one."

Guidelines for a Stay-Homer's Sanity - Part 9

-Disclaimer:  These are *Geoffrey Rush's Barbosa voice* "more guidelines than actual rules" and they are what I think will work best for our family.  Every family is different and so take these with a proverbial grain of salt.  To each mommy their own!-

The demands on your time and body can be overwhelming when you are living and breathing your job 24/7.  Sometimes you just need an hour or two to yourself.  Under no circumstances should you feel guilty or like you're not "doing your job" because you need a break.  If you don't take a break now and then, you'll wear yourself out like an old pair of socks.

It's okay to ask your partner to take over for an afternoon so you can go get coffee with a friend or even just for an hour to enjoy a long bubble bath!

Yes, they work hard to provide for your family, but you are taking care of them in return, and without a little help here and there, who is going to take care of you?

Enjoy yourself.  Cozy up with a good book.  Go for a walk, blessedly alone.  Nap!!  Take the time you need to reconnect with your own personal inner peace.  Then, when you're ready, wade back into the chaos with a calmer mind and soul.  Your family and you will all be better for it!

Guidelines for a Stay-Homer's Sanity - Part 8

-Disclaimer:  These are *Geoffrey Rush's Barbosa voice* "more guidelines than actual rules" and they are what I think will work best for our family.  Every family is different and so take these with a proverbial grain of salt.  To each mommy their own!-

As a homemaker, obviously most of your days are spent in your home, which can lead to a serious case of cabin fever, regardless of the season!  For the sake of sanity, get out and about as often as you feel is necessary.

On an everyday basis, you won't be able to just go and lark about by yourself.  The little ones have to be involved, so that puts a dampener on the fun and interesting things you could do out of the house, right?  Nope!  Planned outings, either with just you and the little or as a whole family when Daddy is home on the weekend, can be a great way to break up the dull-drums of everyday home life.

We live in a rural area that obviously doesn't provide many children's public activities.  However, luckily, we are only about a half hour from two bigger cities that, like most metropolitan areas, offer all kinds of publicly and privately funded events.  (Think carnivals, the circus, stroller-walks, etc.)  There are also tons of public education classes for adults and children of any age, both together or separated.

Don't despair if you can't find (or necessarily afford, I know how tight a budget can be with only one working parent!) any of the more elaborate events I mentioned.  There are tons of things you can do for anytime and on almost any budget:  Go for a drive.  Run errands (it's gotta be done, right?).  Go for a walk.  Take the stroller to the mall and just window shop.  Make play dates or just have lunch with a friend.  It doesn't matter much what the activity is, only that you're taking in a change of scenery which will make you happier, healthier person when you return home.

Guidelines for a Stay-Homer's Sanity - Part 7

-Disclaimer:  These are *Geoffrey Rush's Barbosa voice* "more guidelines than actual rules" and they are what I think will work best for our family.  Every family is different and so take these with a proverbial grain of salt.  To each mommy their own!-

Okay, I'm not necessarily talking about training for the next big marathon all year round (unless that's what you do, in which case, wow!  I'm in awe!), but a general sort of physical activity daily can really help boost endorphines and motivate you to keep moving.  

There's something in the law of physics that an object in motion tends to stay in motion, right? So keep your body moving!  This doesn't mean having to do a formal workout everyday, just anything that gets your heart pumping and the blood flowing.  Go for a walk, dance in the living room, do cartwheels for Pete's sake!

The best time is in the morning, shortly after you wake up.  You're probably thinking the same thing I did when I first heard about this routine: "But then I'll be tired and not want to do anything all day!"  Wrong-o (at least it was for me)!  A half hour to an hour of physical activity in the morning actually jump starts all your systems and gives you a head start on the day.

It still amazes me how refreshed and alert I feel after a quick jog or some impromptu dancing around the living room (and an invigorating shower).  It sets the tone for my entire day, "Yes! I am awake, and I am doing things today!"

Guidelines for a Stay-Homer's Sanity - Part 6

-Disclaimer:  These are *Geoffrey Rush's Barbosa voice* "more guidelines than actual rules" and they are what I think will work best for our family.  Every family is different and so take these with a proverbial grain of salt.  To each mommy their own!-

You spend so much time taking care of the needs of your home and family as a homemaker that it's easy to forget that daddies need some one on one time too.

After working all day (or night, or both!), as wonderful as it is to come home to a tidy home with a tasty meal, it can be fairly lack luster if your spouse is too preoccupied and you end up "enjoying" it all alone.

Set aside time after work is done, the littles in bed, meals have been eaten, and the dishwasher is running just to sit together watch a few episodes of "How I Met Your Mother," play a game of cards, or just talk about your days.  Even better, every once in awhile, line up a babysitter (thank goodness Grandma J lives less than a mile away from us!) and go out on a date!

Date nights serve as a good time to let go, have some fun, and reconnect as a couple.  Let yourselves feel like newlyweds again and focus just on one another and why you two started on this crazy ride in the first place!

Guidelines for a Stay-Homer's Sanity - Part 5

-Disclaimer:  These are *Geoffrey Rush's Barbosa voice* "more guidelines than actual rules" and they are what I think will work best for our family.  Every family is different and so take these with a proverbial grain of salt.  To each mommy their own!-

What do Saturdays and "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" have in common?  The rules don't matter!

From Friday night, when Mr. J gets home, until Sunday evening when he heads back out, Mommy is off duty!  Even though Baby J makes sleeping in on Saturdays impossible, it's a relaxed as it can be.  I plan ahead for either incredibly simple meals (thank you, frozen pizza!) or prep something earlier in the week that can just be thrown in the crock pot.  No cleaning, no dishes, no laundry and I don't have to get out of my jammies if I don't want to!  The TV can be on whenever, though we do still try to limit the time to when Baby J is napping or down for the night.

Everybody needs a time to relax, recharge and mentally and physically prepare for the week ahead and homemakers are no exception.  I think this is the easiest thing to forget, both for the stay-homer and the bread winner.  We can't go all day, everyday, et infinitum, without taking a step back to breathe.  In our family, our time is all day Saturday through Sunday afternoon, other families may have different times based on their schedules, specific days and times don't matter.  The only thing that matters is that this down time exists for everyone (littles included!).

Guidelines for a Stay-Homer's Sanity - Part 4

-Disclaimer:  These are *Geoffrey Rush's Barbosa voice* "more guidelines than actual rules" and they are what I think will work best for our family.  Every family is different and so take these with a proverbial grain of salt.  To each mommy their own!-

Whaaaat?!?! No TV!?  Well, yeah.  Homemaking is my job.  I couldn't sit and watch TV at my regular 9 to 5 office job, could I?  Why should I park it in front of the tube just because I'm home?  If I expect my child to limit their TV time (or at least I will when Baby J and hypothetical future siblings are old enough to know what the TV is), shouldn't I too?  Electronics time (excepting the laptop for Pandora purposes and the occasional Pinterest search for a recipe or cleaning trick I had pinned) I try to limit to during nap times and the TV until after bed for the little one.

This may sound a little extreme, but really, there is so much to do, I barely notice!  Meals and playtimes with Baby J keep me busy during his awake hours and usually during naps I knock off the tasks I have planned for myself in my (slightly overly compulsive) schedule as mentioned in Rule #1.

This does not, by any means, mean that I don't take breaks or allow myself to relax a little throughout the day.  I'm just more likely to grab my Kindle and read a few chapters, do a quick design project for the house, or spend some time writing here or elsewhere.

I think people would be (pleasantly) surprised at what a difference "black out" periods make in their daily lives.  Mr. J and I have even discussed infringing on sacred weekends with a no TV policy on Sunday mornings before he returns to work that evening.  There are tons of things we can do as a family that don't involve the magic black box:  puzzles, games, story telling, and dogpiles on the living room floor to name just a few!

Guidelines for a Stay-Homer's Sanity - Part 3

-Disclaimer:  These are *Geoffrey Rush's Barbosa voice* "more guidelines than actual rules" and they are what I think will work best for our family.  Every family is different and so take these with a proverbial grain of salt.  To each mommy their own!-

I can hear the boos and hisses already, but hear me out!  When you spend most of your time in your home, the state of the place can have serious repercussions on your mood and your sanity.  I keep comparing homemaking to jobs out in the office world because it is a career just as much as accounting, or engineering, or whatever else you can think of, and don't let anyone tell you differently.  That being said, imagine what you would feel like if your office or other place of work was chaotic, dirty and, let's admit it, a little stinky sometimes.  Maybe it's just me, but I don't think I would be very productive and I definitely would not be happy or excited to go to or be at work.  Now imagine that you couldn't get away from that place at the end of the day and go home.  Sounds miserable and exhausting, right?

That's about the effect a messy house has on a stay-home mommy (or daddy, let's not forget that men can be homemakers too!).  It seems logical (Ha! Me! Using logic!) then that a clean, well-organized home would have the opposite effect, right?  Keep in mind, I'm not talking about Home and Garden photo-ready, all-day, every-day, only a comfortably tidiness.  Only bummer is you're the janitorial staff right along with all the other jobs you juggle at home.

Believe it or not, this isn't really as bad as it sounds.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, sticking to a schedule makes all the difference!  (It's Rule #1 for a reason, isn't it?!)  Admittedly, I'm a little bit insane about my list making, but it helps keep me on track with what I want to accomplish day to day, week to week.*  Breaking all your cleaning tasks down into specific days and times keeps you from feeling like all you do is clean and keeps away that horrible feeling of defeat when dealing with dishes and laundry, which are never done (my personal pet peeve!).

At our place, the living room floor is Baby J's play mat all day, and maintains a state of controlled  (usually) chaos while I go about my pre-planned chores around the rest of the house.  But once he goes to bed for the night, I pick up his toys and blankie and put them on a shelf, sit back and listen to the hum of the dishwasher while I read (or write a blog post!) until Mr. J gets home.  Trust me when I say there is a sense of peace that washes over you when your home is in cleanly harmony and you can truly relax!

*As promised, here's an example of said schedule (daily and weekly)!

Guidelines for a Stay-Homer's Sanity - Part 2

-Disclaimer:  These are *Geoffrey Rush's Barbosa voice* "more guidelines than actual rules" and they are what I think will work best for our family.  Every family is different and so take these with a proverbial grain of salt.  To each mommy their own!-

It seems like a weird thing to make a personal rule, but each weekday I feel like it's important that I get up and shower and dress the same way I would if I were going to go to work.  Before anyone gives me the hairy eyeball about wearing "work clothes" every day, let it be known that my previous workplace had a casual dress code (i.e. nice jeans and tops).

If we're not going anywhere that day, I sans the make-up and an impractical hair-do while dealing with a very grabby nearly nine month old. Oh, and the shoes.  Who wears shoes around the house I ask you?  I'm sure there are those who do, but we're the barefeet type of people.  If I do have errands to run, then I'll usually throw a little light make-up on and of course add shoes to the ensemble.

So, why, you ask?  If you're staying home, who do you have to dress up for?  Well, no one really, but harkening back to Rule #1, routines are important and being clean and presentable fosters self esteem, self confidence and motivation.  Bumming around in jammies sounds pretty awesome, not to mention comfortable, but what do you really do in jammies?  Sleep.  What do you do when you're showered, dressed and all kinds of presentable?  You go places, you see people, you do things!

The mind is an interesting place where we can create all kinds of self-fulfilling prophecies.  So trick it into predicting that you will be a dynamic, productive, kick-butt kind of person and, more often than not, you will be!

As an added note, notice I said "weekdays" at the beginning of this post.  Weekends have rules all their own (look for more in Rule #4) and they do not include getting out of those jammies if you don't want to!

The Adventure Begins...

Today is my first day at home, starting my new life as a *gasp* homemaker!  (Yesterday would have been, technically, but it was a snow day for Mr. J and for those at my old job, so it didn't feel like it counted to me.)

While Mr. J and I were discussing the options for our family, it gave me a lot of time to think about what I would do if I were to stay home and care for our home and Baby J.  I would cook and clean, of course, but there was more to it than that.  I would give myself guidelines, "Mommy Rules," if you will, to ensure that I didn't feel listless in my new life, and I would write.  So, I've created this blog as an outlet for my creativity and to share all the things I am doing and learning in this new endeavor.  So!  What will be the topic of my first run of posts?  My self-penned rules of course!

Guidelines for a Stay-Homer's Sanity
-Disclaimer:  These are *Geoffrey Rush's Barbosa voice* "more guidelines than actual rules" and they are what I think will work best for our family.  Every family is different and so take these with a proverbial grain of salt.  To each mommy their own!-

Routines are sooooo important!  People will tell you all the time how essential they are for the little ones (and having taught pre-school for 7+ years, I can not stress how true this is), but not everyone realizes how important they are for mommies and daddies too!

When you're coming from a very structured daily work routine into the more relaxed atmosphere at home like I am, it's easy to forget to have or stick to a schedule when you "don't have to be anywhere," but keeping a daily routine can help ease the transition into the homemaking lifestyle.  It will keep you engaged in daily activities and helps make sure you complete all those little daily tasks that keep your home and family running smoothly (unloading the dishwasher in the morning so that all your dishes for the day can go right in rather than accumulating on the counter/in the sink or doing a load of laundry here and there rather than battling the entire week's worth all in one day).

*Interested in what kind of schedule I'm talking about?  Check out my example!