The In-Law Lottery

You met the man or woman of your dreams, you fell madly, deeply and irrevocably in love and got married, a real life fairy tale... but what about the in-laws??

It seems like there is some kind of lottery system that all couples enter when they decide to merge their two families.  Some people win big, others break even, and the remaining unfortunates lose it all.

I happen to be one of the incredibly fortunate.  I married my best friend's brother, so I had years to get to know the J family even before Mr. and I began dating.  By the time we were married I had been part of the family for what felt like forever.  We visit usually twice a week besides the family get togethers and Grandma and Grandpa J are our number one go tos for babysitting.  Like I said, I pretty much won the jackpot in the in-law lottery!

What about those who aren't so lucky?  Some in-laws are the well-meaning type of difficult.  They know their child so well and their comments and actions that may come off as a bit (or a lot) critical are meant to be helpful.  They want you to know exactly how they handled your spouse all their life, what worked and what didn't and they drive you completely mad with their attempt at education.

The best advice I can come up with (as an outsider) is that you sit down with mom or pop in-law and have a polite and mature conversation about how their comments are making you feel.  Yes, you understand that your spouse was their little boy or girl and that it may be difficult to let go, but the two of you have decided to make a life together.  That might include doing things a little differently than they used to do at home.  This is your home, your spouse, and things will be done your way, but you would gladly accept advice when it is asked for.

Then there are those type of in-laws.  The nasty, resentful, guano-crazy (get it? guano? ha ha!) type.  You know what type I mean.  They're angry that you took their baby away.  You're never good enough for their child.  You have become the enemy.

These situations are hard on everyone: you, your spouse, your children (if you have any).  You're dealing with having to defend yourself (either mentally or verbally) for just about anything they have decided to take up arms against.  Your spouse is caught between the person they chose to spend their lives with and their parent(s).  Even if they are on "your side," nothing can be worse than being caught between two people you love, and the children lose out on enjoying a happy, healthy relationship with their grandparents.

Ideally, this kind of conflict could be worked out by using the same strategy as above, but, as is often the case, these situations are degraded beyond a simple chat and make up.  Maybe it's time to call in the professionals: get some family therapy, in-laws included.  They can help you dig down to the roots of the under lying issues.

If neither of these are possible or the situation is truly beyond redemption, then there are only two things I can offer: First, keep your distance.  If all interactions with them turn toxic, then the best you can do is attempt to keep them to a minimum.  I wouldn't suggest blocking them out of your lives (except in the extremist situations), but it may be easier to keep things pleasant and civil if you're not having to do so constantly.  Secondly, (and this is important!) remember that they are your husband or wife's parents.  Whatever problems you may be having with them now, they created and raised the person you fell in love with, they are part of them, so they can't be all bad.