Shift in the Friend Dynamic

Obviously, it's no surprise that your social life changes when you become a parent.  Mostly to "Social life?  What's a social life?," but I'm talking about more than that.  Even if you rarely get to "go out" or do adult activities with people anymore, it's still pretty likely that you talk to others.  Your spouse, parents, in-laws (if they're the good kind! ;) ), and your friends.  Please keep in mind that none of these labels are exclusive, i.e. your spouse, your parents, even your in-laws, can be your friends too!

Since the birth of my son, I have been noticing a definite change in who those people I talk to are.  Conversations and activities with friends that I was inseparable from before becoming a parent have slowly faded into rare occurrences, while others that I rarely saw or spoke to have become my daily text and chat companions.  The dividing factor?  Parenthood.

Suddenly, it seemed as though my non-parent friends were calling or texting less and less.  They were doing things and making plans and I wasn't involved.  We were still friends, there was no falling out or anything, we just simply no longer interacted on a daily basis, which then became a weekly basis, a monthly basis, and so on.  

Sometimes, this made me incredibly sad.  I felt like a favorite toy who had been placed on a shelf to make time for all the exciting new toys:  Not unloved, but quietly set aside for some indeterminate time in the future.  I hadn't changed, had I?  I was still the same person who's company they had enjoyed only a few months before.  I couldn't understand why I was suddenly so unimportant to them?  Then I really began to think about it.

I have friends who had children several years before I did.  After they became parents, it seemed like I rarely saw or heard from them.  I was in college and meeting new people at the time and thought nothing of it.  I assumed that they were busy with being parents now, that they really didn't have the time to reach out and if I called to ask them to do something, they wouldn't be able to go anyway, right?  They had a kid.  That kid would have had to come with us, and that wasn't fair to the child or the parent, or my friend would have to try and find a babysitter and I assumed they wouldn't want to deal with that hassle.  The parent friends I did make plans with frequently had reliable family sitters, so if we made plans, their children were safely out of sight and out of mind while we went about our social interactions.

I had been ignorant of how my (at least partially faulty) logic was causing me to ostracize my friends, simply because they were now parents.  I had not been doing it consciously, and I certainly had not done any of it maliciously, but it had been happening all the while anyway. 

And now, oh how the tables have turned!  I am, for the first time, fully aware of how I may have made my other friends feel at the time, but, to be fair, some of my un-parent logic wasn't completely wrong.  I  am busier and more distracted with my home life than I had ever been before.  I do need to bring my child along for shopping trips and dinner dates or find a sitter if we're doing something outside of the "family friendly" zone, and both those scenarios can be a hassle.  What I didn't know then, was that sometimes it's a hassle I want to deal with, and even when I don't, it would still be nice to be asked.

Once I stopped being gloomy about being put on the back burner with my non-parent friends, I realized that I had been maybe doing a bit of the same to them.  I assumed they didn't want to deal with the new complications of my parenthood or listen to me talk on and on for hours about my baby and our new life, which, having been there, is at least partially correct.

So, what to do? What to do?  I still needed friends.  I still (really) needed to talk to people about what was going on in my life and with my family, but who would I turn to now that my closest friends were on the other side of the parental divide?

Lightbulb! Talk to friends who are also parents! (Duh moment.)  While I had been reaching out to those friends who I'd previously "had on the shelf" already, I suddenly realized I was preferring to talk to other parents (mostly other mommies, but daddies are accepted too).  It wasn't weird to talk about the color of my baby's poop that day, because another mom would have a similar story to share and we could laugh about it and swap advice.  We could set up play dates for our little ones and get some adult interaction in for ourselves at the same time, all without the feeling of guilt that accompanies having to bring your child along for adult time or having to leave them with a sitter.

This Saturday I have arranged a "Mommies' Night Out" with as many of my mommy friends as were able.  We will go and have dinner and even some drinks, maybe even catch a movie!  (Super, super excited about this!  Mr. J will have Baby so I can have a night off and we won't have to worry about a sitter! Bonus!)  Even though I fully intend to not talk about Baby J all night, these ladies will understand when I do mention him and they'll respond in kind with comments about their own little guys and girls.

Maybe I haven't changed, I mean, my personality came through the parenting vortex pretty intact, but my peer group certainly has changed.  I just watched "Wreck-It Ralph" the other day (What? I like the kiddie movies, they're funny without being gross!) and I keep hearing an altered version of the "Bad-Guy's Creed" or whatever it is in my head. "I'm a mommy and that's okay!"  

Any other moms (or dads for that matter) who are feeling bummed out like I was about "losing" their child-free friends, reconnect with other parents, or, if you don't know any, seek out some!  There are always other parents at the parks, doctors' offices, etc. that you frequent with your own little.  Build a mommy support group (or join an existing one, like MOPS)!  Just because you're a parent now, doesn't mean you have to be only a parent now, you get to have friends too!